This is extremely misleading, because the post I’m about to write is not really an “every girl’s guide” to marriage. It won’t give you a road map, shed light on a key secret, or be applicable to ever person reading this. So, don’t say I didn’t warn ya! This post can only really speak to my experience, but it seems that this platform is just that for me: a reflection of my experience that is just as vital for me as it is for you. Before we really dive in, a preface:

A little while back someone asked me if I had advice or things that I learned in these last four years of marriage. I didn’t respond right away. In fact, this is my response coming days if not weeks late because I have been thinking about the message ever since I read it. Such a huge question! Such a personal experience. Such a thing so big that I know I won’t even touch on any sizeable chunk of it in this post, and yet there still is an opportunity to share. So, I’m going to try. This is not instructional, this is not fact, and this is not a how-to. Every relationship is different and unique, there is no one individual that holds all of the marital wisdom. This is just me, sharing my personal experience like I always have, but I do hope it’s helpful.

The first thing I have learned is not to ask for advice and, if you do, take it with a grain of salt. 

I do not have any kids. I say this because I’m about to draw a comparison that may, perhaps, not play well. Just like mothers don’t like to be told how to raise their children, it is equally frustrating for wives to be told how to be wives. I think it is especially abrasive if you’re younger, newly married, and older women are trying to tell you how they have navigated marriage as if it is fact or the only “right” way. Like with all things in life, you need the freedom to make your own decisions and “mistakes” and there truly is no one that can tell you how to be in your own marriage. Something that is critically important to remember is that everyone creates their own relationship and decides what is acceptable and what isn’t. Some couples decide to do long distance, others don’t. Every couple has their own dynamics from the smallest of things like who typically drives during road trips to the bigger things like how you split (or not) finances and how you speak to each other during an argument. I love to hear how other relationships work, but I stray away from asking for advice because no one can tell you how to be in your own marriage with your partner. Sometimes you are going to want advice, and that is totally normal. When you take that advice, just keep in mind that only you have an intimate knowledge of your relationship and what will actually work or make sense for you.

Something else I have learned that is important to remember is that marriage can be difficult. It can be less like The Brady Bunch and more like an episode of National Geographic that follows the daily activities of a pride of lions. Between The Notebook and Instagram, it is possible to feel isolated in your marriage and think that every day should be filled with kisses in the rain, gifted extravagant floral arrangements, and picture-perfect coffee and dinner dates al fresco. The reality is that that is not reality. For as many of those moments that happen, you will find yourself arguing over who takes out the trash, clashing over holiday plans, or sitting on the couch watching tv while the laundry piles up around you and the area rug grows its own set of bunnies. Marriage is hard, not in a demoralizing way, in the way that it should be. Think about living with your best friend, maybe you have. It seems ideal, but then there are inevitably some bumps in the road. Now, take that scenario and add in sharing finances, planning a future, potentially buying a house, respecting each other’s dreams, joining each other’s families, and making decisions about having children. Obviously with all of these factors at play you aren’t just going to have jolly good times every second of every day, and THAT IS OK. People don’t generally post their crappy days on social media, but you should know that those days do happen. For every couple’s photo with matching outfits there’s a photo that wasn’t taken that would have depicted a nonsensical argument at a restaurant over who vacuums more or who has the busier schedule. Having disagreements, differences in opinion, and off days are all normal. Anything worth doing generally takes effort and work – marriage is no different. You get out what you put in. This is like the Olympic version of a group project where your team is only two people, neither of you can pick a place to eat for dinner, and both of you sleep the least and work the most and can’t be told otherwise.

An extra special lesson that I have learned is that you can, in fact, go to bed angry and nothing bad will happen to you or your marriage. The misconceptions ABOUND. Until just recently, I believed that you should never go to bed angry. Whoever said that must’ve said it because they didn’t really value their sleep. There is no merit in trying to host a United Nations moment with your spouse in the final 2 minutes that your eyes are open when both of you just want more than 3 hours to be horizontal before the alarm goes off. You always have the opportunity to take a beat, go to sleep, and regroup in the morning. Nothing bad is going to happen and you shouldn’t be anxious. No one is at their best when they are tired, so get your sleep, be your best, and everything is going to be A-ok.

The final lesson I actually learned a long time ago when I went to my first and only summer camp. At the time, everyone was going to summer camp and it was the cool thing to do. I signed up to go, but quickly learned that a bible camp just wasn’t my jam. I spent what felt like 30 days at Spruce Lake Wilderness camp (I think it was maybe 5 days) and alternated between trying to avoid ice breakers and organized activities to crying and asking to go home. Pretty sure I was 12 or 13. My counselor, Mary, was extremely patient but at some point told me that, “Fair is a place you go to get your pumpkin judged. There is no such thing as fair.” I have no idea what else happened in that camp (other than consuming a metric ton of Butterfinger BBs) but I do know that I never treated the word “fair” the same way. She was right. Things aren’t “fair,” especially in a marriage, and it would be kind of weird to expect them to be. There is not realistic measure of “fair” and if you find yourself arguing over what is fair, then you know you’ve entered the point of no return. The true beauty of a partnership comes when one completes the other. Sometimes Andrew has things going on that take precedence and sometimes, believe it or not, I have a TON going on and he provides the support I need to push through it. It’s not a balancing act because there is no true balance. Things will always fluctuate, responsibilities will change, and to get preoccupied over what is or is not fair will only bring unnecessary arguments into your relationship. Easier said than done, but the best thing that you can do is be flexible and understanding. 

Finally, this might sound like a really clinical view of marriage, but I’m in the business of speaking my mind/truth so why stop now? Your spouse cannot do everything for you. I truly believe this with all my heart. This should not be a disappointment; this should be freeing. Television, movies, culture – they all send a message that your spouse is your best friend, confidante, alibi, therapist, travel buddy, etc. A while back, I listened to a great podcast that flipped my entire view on this. Your spouse is in fact NOT all 198787234928734 things that you need in your life, and that should make sense. No one person can be everything for someone else. Is it really reasonable for us to think that our partner to fill all of these different roles all at once for us? No, not really. Particularly when it takes two of us with full nights of sleep to even remember to water the plants. Your spouse is not inadequate, they are human, just like you are. You can choose to run everything through your spouse, but should you? This podcast I listened to was a great wakeup call that while Andrew might be able to handle every single one of my issues, that doesn’t mean he should have to. Your best friends, family, mentors – they are all available to guide and support you. A spouse isn’t a one-stop-shop to resolve all of your needs. Can they be? Yes, maybe? Is it sustainable? Likely not. Is it kind? Almost 98% no. Andrew has his own pressures, stresses, and goals. I certainly don’t want to be the big pile of bricks on top of that.

While I don’t think that I am qualified to provide marital advice, I do feel comfortable sharing the following thoughts. When Andrew and I got married, it was based on the idea that we are stronger together than we are apart. We are the best team, we are best friends, and what we treasure the most is our partnership and love. Whatever the root of your marriage is, keep that at the forefront of everything that you do whether. Don’t compare what you have to anyone else. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. Seek out friends that know you, love you, and support you. Always do the best for yourself. You can’t be a good partner if you aren’t good with yourself.

With a background in communication, I have also been fascinated with how people speak and interact with one another. I fancy myself an anthropologist, and love to listen to podcasts and read articles about relationships and communication because they are so fascinating to me and help me think about the ways that I interact with others. Here are some awesome resources I’ve listened to that are great for your marriage, but honestly just great in general. 

Brené Brown – Her TedTalk on vulnerability is great for giving some great insights on relationships and communication. I also love her Netflix special and Andrew and I have both watched it.

Save the Marriage Podcast – This sounds so dramatic, but I love listening to the perspective of a professional and hearing how he responds to the different issues brought to the forefront by listeners.

Marriage and Martinis – Love this podcast because it is just realness and not glamorized or glossed over. This is run by a husband and wife that have overcome so many struggles in their marriage and have truly made it. If you tend to be pretty black and white like I do, this will help you see that there are actually a ton of grey areas and that you shouldn’t always draw a line in the sand because it is better to be happy than it is to be right.

As always, feel free to message me on Instagram or comment here with feedback! xx